97. Marissa: Beyond Belief!

In John 20, Thomas would not believe that Jesus rose from the dead until he saw Him with his own eyes. Once Jesus appeared to him showing the nails in his hands, Thomas collapsed to the ground and declared his belief in Jesus. In response, Jesus said to Thomas, “Do you believe because you see me? Happy are those who don’t see and yet believe.” (Jn. 20:29). In this episode, Marissa shares her story of searching for God in every place except what was right in front of her. After spiraling headstrong into some dark places which caused serious anxiety and depression, Marissa became diagnosed with a rare disease that caused her to see double. The news from doctors was not good. In the midst of this, she had an unusual peace and confidence that God was going to heal her.  Turns out what happened was more than  Marissa could even think or imagine. 

Transcript

EP97 Marissa

Jack: [00:00:00] Jesus in my life episode 97. 

Marissa: I was in the apartment complex and I remembered vividly just having these thoughts of just jumping off the balcony, just wanting to end my life, wanting to just end the pain too. I had so much pain built up from not having a dad and just. Other things in life that just were just getting to me.

I always had this sense of rejection.

Jack: Welcome to Jesus in my life, a podcast with Robin Jack, where we interview everyday people like me and you about their extraordinary experiences with our savior, Jesus Christ. Welcome to another episode of Jesus in my life. This is your host Jack with my co host Rob 

Rob: Hey everybody, so glad to be with you today and Jack I'm really excited about our guest in studio today because you and I this is our first time meeting her.

Jack: Yeah Yeah, [00:01:00] absolutely. Normally I I know our guests in some way, shape or form, even if I pre interviewed them in this case, we just kind of knew it was a God thing. And so today on the show we have Marissa, welcome to the show. Yeah. And Marissa first heard our podcast through somebody who was another guest, but that guest didn't share it with you.

Somebody else shared it with you, but you knew the guest. Her name is Courtney and it's all about God's word impacting her life. Right? Yes. Um, well when Marissa heard that episode, she was like, Oh, that's cool. And but a few weeks later god gave you a vision that you were going to be on that podcast. Yep Well, no one knew that except you and god and my wife Heard that you had a pretty amazing testimony and she said hey My husband has a podcast and when she said hey, would you be interested in you know, talking to him about being on the show?

God already confirmed that he was calling you to share your testimony on the podcast So she you said yes, you had no idea. It was the same podcast that Courtney was gonna be [00:02:00] on. Nope. Not at all 

Marissa: I thought it was honestly has that it was somebody else's podcast and I was like, well Maybe this is actually gonna lead to the other podcast and then It all clicked it all clicked 

Rob: exactly the same god always connects the dots.

I love it. Yes 

Jack: So so awesome. So marissa, we're really glad that you said yes, and that god told you to sit to do this

So you've heard our shows we kind of like to hit the ground running so tell us a little bit about You Marissa, where are you from and what role did God play in your early life, if any? 

Marissa: Okay, so I was born in Stockton, California. I was born and raised there. Um, I grew up with a single parent. My mom was the one that raised me and my siblings.

I had three other siblings, so a total of four of us that she was taking care of. Um, she was married to my sibling's dad, [00:03:00] Before she met my dad, obviously, and she ended up getting divorced from that man and then Ended up meeting my dad. My dad was they were together until she was about six months pregnant and then from then on they ended up ending the relationship and I never really got to know my dad.

My dad actually ended up going to jail and so from then on we had Transcribed A little bit of a relationship, but at the same time wasn't because he was in jail and it wasn't like he was close enough for me to go visit him and stuff like that, um, because I believe that he was in jail in Mexico. So he would call, he would start these conversations, but I was so young that I just kind of was like listening in, but didn't really pay attention.

And then at times, you know, he would send presents and stuff like that. But again. Dad wasn't really in my life. [00:04:00] So it was really my mom's faith that we were kind of leaning on. And so my mom was originally born in Mexico. My grandparents grew up there and they grew up as Catholics as you know, most Mexicans do.

And so from then on, They moved to the United States and my mom grew up a little bit in the Catholic church. You know, she had her communion and things like that, but they eventually ended up leaving the Catholic church. So my grandpa just saw, saw faults in the Catholic church. He just saw that there wasn't things that necessarily were great.

You know, uh, feeling, it was like displeasing to his heart. And so from then on, he ended up leaving the Catholic church and ended up going into the Mormon church. Yeah, 

Jack: that's drastic. Yeah, it is drastic. Yeah. But I'm imagining he had missionaries come to his door. Yeah. He 

Marissa: definitely did. I mean, they're persistent.

[00:05:00] They're out there. So they ended up going to the Mormon church. And that's really where my mom was raised. And she would go to the camps and all this stuff. And it was, that's where kind of her faith kind of grew. Um, but it was, it wasn't like relational with Jesus. It was always just like this religion.

She did have moments where she would go to, um, church, you know, consistently maybe for, well, actually she was going to the Mormon church for a while. So, um, When she had my siblings, they were still going, my, my siblings were pretty much raised in the Mormon church. They were baptized. Some of them were baptized in the Mormon church.

And so by the time she had me, I would go, she would volunteer for the Sunday schools. And I have very small memories of it. I remember going and being with my mom in Sunday school and just, you know, being by [00:06:00] her. I remember her even packing a bunch of snacks just so that we could be quiet. Like she was just like, here you go.

Like have all the snacks. 

Jack: Plenty of times with my kids. Yes. 

Marissa: She would pack so much snacks. Like honestly, I grew up loving snacks now. So, but like things like that. But it wasn't like, I remember doctrinally, like what was being taught in my ears. So my mom, she was a single parent. She worked really hard. She worked.

Cannery jobs and just these really hard jobs overnight graveyards like whatever she could do to provide for her children She was great in that sense and great in many other senses, too but so with her the thing that really just would help her to cope and and get out of Being so hard working and things like that was she would go out when you say [00:07:00] go out like you talk about clubbing.

Yeah Just dancing. She loved to dance. It wasn't necessarily like a drinking thing for her I'm sure she did but it was more so dancing like she just liked to go out and dance and so it was like Again religion, it wasn't relational. And so go to church You For like she would get sad and that was kind of like the moment where she would be like we need to go to church So when we would go to church, it would be consistent maybe for about a month or so But then eventually the things got good in life and we just kind of You know, ended up living our lives.

It wasn't like she was reading the Bible to us at home or anything like that. I knew that Jesus, he lived and he died and he rose again and things like that. But it wasn't. It wasn't tangible, it wasn't 

Jack: personal, 

Marissa: it wasn't personal at all. And so [00:08:00] growing up, that kind of was just like, I would say I didn't even live in a traditional Christian household because it was just so inconsistent and it was a lot of confusion in the sense of like growing this relationship with Jesus.

Rob: Marcia, I mean, I know you'll get to. You know, eventually as you get older, and some of the things that God used in your life to, you know, bring that relationship home in many ways. Growing up, did you kind of see God as like somebody that was distant? Like somebody that wasn't really involved in your everyday life?

Marissa: Yeah. And Yeah. I would say too, like, because of not having a dad, I always wanted that protection. I knew that God was real, but again, I didn't view him as he was protecting me. I, from my dad not being in my life, I really, sought attention, not attention, [00:09:00] but more so love for men approval for men. I wanted that and I wanted to have overall protection over our house, but I never felt that.

And I never felt like it was coming from God, 

Rob: you know? I mean, a lot of people can probably relate to that. I mean, 

Jack: I would say it's a, it's a, It's cultural religion, right? And it's this aspect of, I will go to church on Sunday to receive my blessing, to appease the God on high. And then during the week, leave me alone because I'm going to live my life, you know, you bless me in the cool.

That's it. Right? It's not relational. It's transactional. Yeah. Right. And that is empty. Yeah. It does not lead to any lasting satisfaction. Right. That's the whole, that misses the point of what Jesus came to do. Exactly. But, and so it leads into this situation where that's why a lot of people, I think, end up walking away from church because it's like, this thing doesn't work.

This doesn't work. 

Rob: Yeah. I tried it. Yeah. Okay. It just [00:10:00] gives me this, it just leaves me empty. And so I'll move on. 

Marissa: Yeah. Amen. That's, and that's exactly what happened. And I see it a lot with people too, is that's what happens is they think that church isn't this place where, you know, cause we always say Jesus brings peace, Jesus brings all these things.

And when you're doing it that way, you get peace for a quick second, but then it's just like, you know, cause he knows that your, your desire is not. for him fully there, you know, you, you're really not there for him. You're there for the blessing. And so then as time goes on, I turned 16 and that's really when the rebellion starts to happen.

Not necessarily in the sense of like drinking and things like that, but more so is God even real. I started thinking about, you know, Buddhism and thinking about all this Eastern kind of, you know, Things that were coming, buying [00:11:00] crystals and worshiping them. I started getting into sage and thinking that burning out the negative energy was going to help me because I was always seeking that fulfillment, you know, and I wasn't getting it from anything else in my life, especially being 16.

Like that's when. You know, you start learning a little bit more about life and it just, it was like, okay, well, what's my purpose even here on earth? 

Jack: It kind of seems like you were kind of taking things into your own hands, right? So yes, I didn't feel like I was being protected by the church. I don't think I was being feeling like I'm protected by my family.

I need to take matters into my own hands. Yes. This new age religion tells me how to do it. I can act on it. It's in my power to protect you. 

Marissa: Yes, it's like a self reliance kind of thing. Like you're just like, okay, well, I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to take it into my own hands. And so opening up all those [00:12:00] doors led to a lot of anxiety, depression.

I remember I didn't do good in high school. My first two years, I started slacking off and they pretty much told me, if you don't get it together, you're not going to graduate, you're going to go to continuation school. And so seeing my mom being hardworking, that broke my heart. I was like, I can't, I can't have that happen.

I want to make her proud. I want her to be able to look at me and be like, okay, like. Almost like her hard work is paying off rather than like, here's this slacking kid who doesn't even like deserve, you know, things like that. So my junior and senior year, I really pick it up. But again, anxiety, depression.

I remember there was plenty of nights where I would like sit in bed and just cry. I would have so much racing thoughts and just, I would just cry. And again, I. From what my mom used to tell us, like, God was real, you know, she did [00:13:00] somewhat, I heard prayers, you know, I didn't know how to pray, but when I would cry, I was just pretty much crying out to God of like, just help me.

Help me like I don't you know, I don't have everything together like help me and so it got really bad One day I remember vividly I was in our apartment complex We lived on the second story and I just felt really like a dark presence was there I didn't know back then that it was like a demon, but now looking back, I'm like, it was absolutely a demon because it was shooting every lie, everything, like, you know, the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, and that's what he was trying to do, and so, I was in the apartment complex, and I remembered vividly just having these thoughts of just jumping off the balcony, just wanting to end my life, wanting to just end the pain too.

I had so much pain built up from not [00:14:00] having a dad and just other things in life that just were just getting to me. I always had this sense of rejection kind of. And so I just remember even like just. You should take some pills, you know, you should just end your life There was a real grace of god on me because I remember from your episode you were saying with your story of wanting to end your life and you said, you know, your Your mom finding you would be like or something like that.

Yeah, 

Jack: honestly, I had the gun to my head Yeah to pull the trigger and god I believe I truly honestly believe it was god's grace. He gave me a vision Oh, I saw myself in the grave and my mom You Above crying like my viewpoint first person view was in the ground looking up and my mom crying. That's heartbreaking.

And I was like, I can't do that. Yeah. To her. Mm-Hmm. . And it kept me from pulling the trigger. 

Marissa: And that's kind of what was keeping me from jumping off that balcony, you know, was like, [00:15:00] I can't do it to my mom. I can't do it to my siblings. I couldn't imagine my sister. And I think I even had like. Thoughts of like my sister coming in and just weeping, like, you know, or even like neighbors, like how traumatizing would that be to just find a dead body, you know?

And so from then on, like the depression really hit and it went all up because The rebellion didn't stop there. It started going into my twenties, you know, and then around 22, I started getting drinking and trying to find that love for men and just going all up all around and smoking. I started smoking at 16 and not cigarettes, the other stuff, 16 started.

And then around 22, it really was like, let's just, let's just bring it on. So I think. 

Jack: I want to go back for a second. Yeah, so you talked about burning sage crystals new age thing and then you also had [00:16:00] marijuana Yeah the equation. 

Marissa: Yeah, 

Jack: and it's right around that time. Yeah, right. Yeah the depression Started coming.

Oh, yeah, and I just want to point out like and I know you know this but it's just a warning to everybody Yeah, like these things open ourselves to the spiritual realm There is a spiritual realm. This is the bad side and there's the good side, right? Absolutely Um You know, I think you were inviting in negative everything The enemy demons.

Yeah, I mean into your life. Yeah the new age Practices and through the drug use. Yeah, because 

Marissa: you think you're you're finding this fulfillment and the Satisfaction in it and it does help I will say like I'm being very honest. It does help for a quick minute It helps for like a month, but then guess what?

It, it, it triples down on you. The depression started very small and then it started inching and inching and inching. And then eventually [00:17:00] you're thinking about suicidal thoughts. You're thinking about all these things. Then at 22, still the same anxiety, depression, even God had a grace in that sense of like, I remember.

I got so bad. Like it was really bad. I couldn't stop crying one day. And my mom was like, I think you need to see the doctor. Like it's, it's getting bad. And I remember going to the doctor and they're prescribing me the antidepressants and the Xanax and things that can, you know, they say help. And it was crazy because I remember, I'm not going to take that Xanax.

I remember thinking clearly, I'm not, because a lot of my family history was drug addicts. So I was like, absolutely not. I'm not doing that. But maybe the antidepressants will help. I saw my mom on antidepressants most of her life And so I knew I knew the waves that it came. Yes, [00:18:00] it would get really good bad really good bad And so it was kind of like iffy to me and so I remember taking the antidepressants and I took it and all of a sudden I I just wanted to throw up.

I wanted to throw up. And so I threw it up and I was like, oh man, this isn't good. I remember my mom being like, maybe it's just because you're like, taking it on empty. So like, just try it again. Tried it again. Guess what? It was God, I still on my medical records, it still says that I'm allergic to the, the, yeah, they thought I was allergic to it.

And I'm like, I am allergic to it because it was God telling me like, you don't need this. What you need is me. 

Rob: That's so good. 

Marissa: So then 24 comes around. That's when I started. And around the time of 22, I would say I started having thoughts. Like maybe God is real, maybe like he was really pursuing me in the sense, but he was, he was [00:19:00] taking his time and not because he was taking his time.

It was me. It was all me, you know? And so he was pursuing me. He, I started having these thoughts, but again, The enemy had this confusion of growing up like my family growing up catholic mormon so I didn't know I was like maybe I should like I saw the catholics praying to angels and all this stuff and I was like Maybe I should be doing that like, you know, like I just didn't know what to do and so 24 The age of 24 hits And it was like, God was pursuing me in the sense of being a gentleman anymore.

It was like, I was growing so far away from him. I couldn't even hear his voice that he had to blow the whistle. It was like, it was time. Like he was like, I'm blowing the whistle. Either you come to me or you don't like. And so 24, I remember I was at work one week. And my vision just goes and it's just double 

Jack: [00:20:00] Vision doubled.

Yeah, my vision went double double like so you saw double vision double 

Marissa: If i'm looking at you i'm looking at your eyes and there was another pair of eyes on top 

Rob: It just came out. There was nothing that warned you of that. Nothing 

Marissa: warned me. I had food poisoning. I wasn't eating that Well that week But on that Saturday, I was working at Macy's at the time I was a lead merchandiser.

And so we, on those Saturdays, we would go in really early and we'd get out before the store opened. It was like one of the best shifts. And so I was in there and I was working and all of a sudden my vision goes double and I'm looking at the ground and I see two grounds and I'm just kind of like, okay, don't freak out.

Don't freak out. You know, just, just breathe. Maybe it's Something that's, you know, temporary. And so I'm walking and it's not coming back. And I'm like, okay, so I'm folding shirts. I'm doing the things I'm like, don't freak out. Just get through this shift. I get through the shift, call my mom up. I'm like, mom, something weird's happening with my vision.

You need to come. And she's like, okay. [00:21:00] So she picks me up and she's like, Hey, maybe it's because you haven't been eating. Well, you know, you just got through this food poisoning. Maybe it's that. So we go eat. Still doesn't come back. So I'm like, okay, at this point, I'm not freaking out, but then I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.

And so nighttime comes around, still don't have my vision. That point, freaking out, crying, sobbing. I'm like, something's literally wrong, mom. And so she was like, okay, we had to go to the urgent care tomorrow. Like the first thing in the morning. So go to urgent care. And they're telling me, they're like, Hey, we don't see anything that's wrong, but you need to make.

an appointment with your primary doctor immediately, like the faster you could get in there. So I make an appointment. We go into the doctors and this doctor really was a blessing from God, literally a blessing from God. I don't talk about doctors like it's not that I have anything against medicine or doctors [00:22:00] or anything, but most of the time I'm just kind of like, you know, you already know what comes with, you know, just.

Everything of that. So this doctor is coming in. She's like, Hey, Marissa, what's up? And so I'm telling her she's literally running across Cross the building to go talk to the neurologist literally asking me questions. So is this happening to you being like, okay? Hold on one second running across to talk to the neurologist coming back and she comes back and she's like, okay Is this happening to you running back across like talking to the neurologist coming back?

Finally? She's like, okay You You need to get an MRI done immediately. You could be having a brain aneurysm or you could have a botched eye. And if you're having a brain aneurysm, we need to know because it's, it's severe, you know? So she's like, you need an MRI done. So they're trying to get a MRI, like an appointment for me immediately.

Her assistant is on the phone and they're like, [00:23:00] Hey, we don't have an appointment until weeks later. And she's literally yelling across the office like, I'll talk to them like you, like, I'm not joking. She needs to get in like, right. Like ASAP. And so finally I get an appointment done and is it that same day?

No, it's not that same day. I think it was like a day or two 

Jack: and you're still having double vision. I'm 

Marissa: still having double vision, 

Jack: full 

Marissa: on double vision, never leaves. And so she gets me an appointment and. I finally like at that point the depression starts hitting because i'm starting to think like what if this is my life this is it like What if it and i'm i'm crying and I remember my sister calling me and was like it's gonna be okay Like it's gonna be fine And i'm like is it gonna be fine because it's not looking fine And so then I get I remember it was like about three days.

I was crying like I was just like man This is just Good to be in my life. Like, and so I, [00:24:00] I get this thought, go pray. And I was like, go pray. Like, what? Like pray? Like, what is prayer going to do? Like, so I go to the bathroom and I remember, I didn't even know how to pray. I was just like, I think I was just having a conversation with him at that point.

Like, it wasn't like me saying like, Jesus name or anything, or, you know, it was just me talking. And so, I remember praying about it, and this overwhelming sense of peace just floods my body. Like a peace that's right. And I was just like, okay. And then I remember getting this thought, you're going to be healed.

You're going to be healed. And it was crazy. I was secure in that thought. Like it was something that I knew was true in my heart. Something hit my heart where it was like, okay. And I just remembered this overwhelming sense of joy coming into my life. And I was just like, yeah, exactly. I was like, this prayer helps.

Like. [00:25:00] He said like something's telling me I'm gonna be healed. I don't know what but you know, and so after that I remember Going into the MRI and praying I was like, okay, I'm gonna try this prayer, you know Cuz I have never never broke my arms and bones anything like MR I was like far from me and I was afraid I was like, what is this crazy machine exactly?

And so I remember getting his up pray if you're afraid pray so I prayed and so then I was 

Jack: that even look like Who are you praying to you? Just God, God, 

Marissa: God, God help me. Like God or whatever. I don't even remember my prayers. I just remember it being conversational. Like, like, as if I'm talking to you, like, God, please just help me.

I'm afraid of like, just kind of like that 

Rob: relational 

Marissa: in the sense. Yeah. And so I remember getting the thought this MRI is going to turn out negative. Like it's going to be fine. And I was like, okay. Okay, so I go to the MRI, get a text. Your MRI came out fine, you don't have a brain [00:26:00] aneurysm, but we need to figure out what's going on, because that's still double.

So go through, she starts ordering me CT scans. Go through the CT scan. I'm like, okay comes out negative Everything that I was doing that they were telling me take these tests. I mean I was taking every blood test Oh, it was so invasive. Like it was all over my body and it kept coming out negative kept coming out negative kept coming out I'm like, okay like but I'm still seeing double and in this time I'm pray like God starts really putting that desire to pray.

I'm falling asleep in prayer. Like I'm following, like, I'm just talking to him constantly. I'm like, all right, let's just like, I fall asleep. I'll wake up in the middle, realize that I fell asleep in my prayers. Start talking again, like going, like waking up. I'm just talking to God, you know, at this point.

And one day. I remember I was looking outside like the window and I was like, my vision's going to come back. Like, I [00:27:00] know I'm going to be healed. Like, I don't know why I just had this sense of like, I'm going to be healed. And so at this point I had joy. Even going through the doctor's offices and I had joy.

My mom has never seen me be so joyful in my life. Like she was like, you're going through all this stuff and yet you're just laughing. Like I couldn't even be on my phone. My mom had to take two months off of work because I couldn't do my hair. I, it was double. Like I couldn't see unless one eye was covered for some reason.

The one I covered was like, I can see normal, but wasn't on my phone. I had to take time off of work. Like it was. it was severe. It was serious. And so, but she was just like, you're just laughing. Like you're just, if I was in this, I would be like, you know, so sad. And I just had joy. I was like, like, we're going crazy.

Maybe probably I'm like, honestly. And so finally I see this neurologist and [00:28:00] she's like, listen, we got to get you a whole blood panel. Every autoimmune disease there is. Cause they had already tested me for lupus. I tested negative for it, but they were like, we need to test everything because everything's coming out negative, but we don't have a solution for your eyes.

So when she said that, I kind of got a nervous feeling. This was the first time I was like, Ooh, this doesn't feel, I remember not wanting to take the blood test and I did. And then I got the call and it was like, Hey, you need to come in. And we need to talk to you about your results. And I was like, okay, well, can't you just tell me of them over the phone?

And they're like, no, this is, you need to come in. And you know, when you get that talk, it's like, oh, that, okay. And I was trying, they're like, when's the soonest you could get in? And I was like, I was pushing it. I was like, I can't come in till Friday. And they were like, no, Friday is too long. And I was like, Thursday at [00:29:00] five o'clock like I was just pushing it like I did not want to go in there and they're like no and so finally we come to you know a date I go in and my mom at this time has already gone back to work because it's already close to the two month mark of like, you know, she needs to go back to work.

So my sister takes me and I'm actually glad my mom wasn't there. But the neurologist pretty much Tells me, hey, you have a very rare autoimmune disease called myasthenia gravis Pretty much it affects your vision. It could affect your speech You could start to slur and it could get so bad to where it affects your breathing to where your respiratory You can't even breathe on your own and you'll end up in a coma and eventually just pass away 

Jack: Yeah, she 

Marissa: said it was a She told me you will have this for your whole life.

And I'm sitting there like God told, like, this [00:30:00] person's telling me I'm going to be healed, but yet, this one's telling me Yeah, 

Rob: that's a conflict of interest. 

Marissa: Yeah, exactly. So I'm sitting there trying to logically just put all this two and two together and I'm holding it together and she's like, listen, you need, you're going to be on a series of steroids for the rest of your life.

And she's telling me all the steroids, you know how they're giving it to you and they're, they're telling me, okay, you're going to be on this stir and you're going to be on this year or you could pick this steroid. This steroid has this and this and all this stuff. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, And I just hear, don't take the steroids.

I'm going to heal you. I'm going to heal you. And I was like, okay, all right. Here she is telling me I'm gonna have to take steroids. And here I hear a voice telling me, no, if I'm going to heal you, I'm going to heal you. So I started getting the thought, [00:31:00] I'm not going to take the steroids. I can't. Like, I can't take them.

And so she was like, so, and she was very pushy on it too. She was like, so what are you going to do? Like what steroid? And I'm like, I gotta go find out about these steroids, like side effects, all this stuff. Like I can't just make a decision right now. So I eventually was like, I gotta get back to you. Like I gotta go.

Yeah. Process all this. So I leave and I remember that's when I got to the, my house and I opened up the door and I could barely shut the door and I just dropped down and I weep. The hardest I've ever weeped in my life. Just crying. Crying I make it to the end of my bed and I remember praying to God and I will not advise anyone to do this But I remember telling like god like you told me i'm gonna be healed like you say you're real This is where you're gonna show me you're real kind of thing Like i'm like full on like telling god and I wouldn't advise anyone [00:32:00] to do that.

Please don't do that with god like I don't know He is sovereign, he is good, but like you don't, don't test him. So I was like literally pulling up like, you said you're gonna do this, you better do it. Like, you say you're real, you better show me you're real. And I remember just being like, you're gonna show me you're real.

And I remember still getting the thought, you're gonna be healed. But I was full on like, oh man, it's And it was crazy cause I was weeping and my brother at that time who wasn't saved, no one in my family was saved. He calls me and I didn't even want to answer cause I'm over here crying. And I answering, he's like, Hey, like, you know, what's, you know, what's going on?

He could hear it in my voice and I'm telling him he was already into like natural. things. And he's like, that can be fixed with food and all that stuff. I didn't really want to hear that at the moment. I was like, dude, I got other things to worry about. So we ended up hanging up. And during this time is [00:33:00] when I was like, I'm going to take those medicines.

I'm not going to take it. I'm not going to take them. And I remember telling my mom, I'm not going to take them. And she was like, okay, like, do you really think that's a good idea, Marissa? She's like, I have friends who have autoimmune diseases and it could get bad. Like this isn't, and she was, one of them had RA and one of the friends was like, it could get really bad.

Like this isn't smart what she's doing. Like you got to talk to your daughter. So. At that point, God had started putting this desire to read the Bible. Okay. And I was like, okay. So it moved on from prayer. 

Jack: From like, cause you didn't necessarily have a positive viewpoint. At 

Marissa: that point, I was already thinking it was God.

Okay. 

Jack: I was starting to think it was the God of the Bible. 

Marissa: Yes, yes, I didn't I I knew it was Jesus, but I didn't it still didn't make a fool Yeah, but yeah, I didn't think it was [00:34:00] you know, all these other what they say gods lower case g But yeah So then I started, I, I got, I went to Barnes and Nobles. I got my pretty pink Bible, you know, with the flowers, the NIV version.

And I got that and I purchased it and I came back home. And this is how much I didn't know about the Bible. God led me to read Job. No way. 

Jack: Okay. So I'm curious, did you have to cover one of your eyes to read the Bible? Oh, 

Marissa: Absolutely. I was with the blanket. Yeah, yeah. There was times where I had to even put gauze on my, like, I just tape it up just so I could see normally, but mostly I hated that thing.

So I would just do a blanket or just have that blanket over when I, I was like, when I Willie just like it there, you know, yeah, it was, it was crazy. And so he led me to Joe. I remember reading about this man and I'm like, man, this man's going through what I'm going through. You know, like, you know, [00:35:00] God's like that.

And so I was just like, man, this, this guy's really going through it though. And I remember going to mom and my mom and I was like, Hey, there's this guy in the Bible named job. And like, he's just really, she 

Rob: was like, 

Marissa: she was like, job. Whose job like what are you talking about and I was like in the Bible job It's just like you mean Joe and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's what I mean You know and so I'm like, okay, but at that point the Bible started it didn't make total Sense, there were a lot of things where I was just like, what are you saying?

So I started reading and then I remember at one point I surrender my life, like I say the prayer, you know, I get to my knees and I'm like, Lord, like, you know, I'm not saying Lord, but I'm saying God, like I give [00:36:00] you my life. Like I surrender it. I know you're real. All this stuff. Stuff. And so that was really the pivotal moment.

And so eventually long story short, but eventually it takes some time, but I continuously was in prayer and I would, I would declare it like out of the window. I was literally looking at, I was like, I know I'm going to be healed. God's going to heal me. Like, and it was crazy too. I'd feel my eyes fluctuate.

Like it was going back to normal and I'd be like, Oh, it's coming. Like it's coming. And so then finally, slowly but surely. It's, it came back and I have not, that was in 2017. I have not had eye problems since then. This is a woman who told me the doctor was like, it's incurable. Nothing with God is incurable.

There's always a cure, you know, he's the greatest healer there is, you know, and [00:37:00] so it came back and there were moments where I did start having slurring. I started to know, like, it was like, as if I was like, Drunk, you know, and there was, but I remember at this point, I don't even know how, like I got deeper in my faith.

I would literally put my hands on my jaw and was like, I pray in the name of Jesus, that this will be healed in Jesus name. Like there's nothing. And it was gone. Like it was just got, and I was just like, okay. All right, so then from then on I was I go back to work and I'm bringing my bible. I'm reading it Again, no one in my family is saved.

I didn't have a church to really go to we were going to about that baptist church Not the same one that I said it when I was 10 years old, but we were going to a baptist church for a while I didn't have relationships with any of the people there because we wouldn't stay that long. You're right. It was like a transactional thing.

So I didn't really have discipleship. [00:38:00] So I was reading the Bible, but I still had things that were just not correct, that weren't lining up with the Bible. But I wanted to learn, like, you know, and so I was reading my Bible, I would talk to people about God, you know, I was like, Oh yeah, God's real. Like he healed me.

He healed my eyes. It's like, I. That wasn't, God made it very clear at that point. He was real. No one could tell me that he wasn't real. At that point, it was like, if somebody came to me and was like, God's not real, like, I was like, no. God is real because how did this, Like miracle happened on my eyes. You can't tell me like what was I listening to that whole time?

and so then But eventually because I didn't have discipleship. I didn't have anybody around me telling me I wasn't I was reading my Bible was then I started slacking on my Bible reading. I went back to the world. I was like the prodigal son, you know, [00:39:00] the world was starting to call me back and I believe that it was because I still going back to my dad and I want to make that very clear is that because I had this unforgiveness towards my dad and I had this wanting to be accepted by men that wasn't gone.

I found fulfillment in this God, but at one, like if he was trying to talk to me about my dad, that was one area where I didn't want to talk. I was like, God, everything's good. I really accept that. We're not going there good. And so, you know, men started calling me and, you know, and it just was this, this longing, you know, and so started going back to my old ways and I got in this.

Relationship. It wasn't really a relationship, but I wasn't smoking at that point. I wasn't drinking at that point. Guess what? [00:40:00] You know, hey, why don't you and at that point conviction came with alcohol. I didn't do it, but the weed That was the thing And so then I started doing all these things again, but at this point again, god's real Yeah.

There ain't no telling me that God wasn't real, but I went back. And so it was a while that I went back and COVID happened. God started pursuing me a little bit before COVID started getting these thoughts of baptism. I was like, okay, where am I going to get baptized again? Like my church taught like. And this isn't in the Bible.

My church taught that you had to be discipled before getting baptized. You had to be, you know, baptized by a certain, all these things. And so I was just like, this seems impossible. Right. And I remember at this point, my brother gets saved almost a year after I got saved. And so he calls me up and he's like, [00:41:00] Hey, I think we should get baptized.

And I was like, wait, what? I've been thinking of these thoughts, like for, you know, Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I think we should get baptized. But again, I'm like, well, I got to get discipled and all this stuff. And he's like, what are you talking about? And he doesn't know. And so then he's like, well, think about it, you know, get back to me.

He's that type. And so I was like, okay, so hang up. All this just seems great. Like what? And I remember it was this random girl. Brand most random I reached out. I don't even know why I reached out to her, reached out to her about baptism. And I say, Hey, I don't know nothing about baptism. Let's like, and she was lukewarm.

She wasn't even like a really like, well, and she was like, 

Jack: you just knew that she was a Christian. 

Marissa: Yeah. And so I reach out to her and I'm like, Hey, I am interested in baptism. This is what my church tells me. She's [00:42:00] like, that's not true. She's like anyone could baptize you, you know, if you want to get baptized get baptized and I was like, what?

Okay, and at that point I think even my brother through interest of like I'll baptize you and I was like She was like if your brother wants to baptize you that's the most beautiful thing Let him baptize you like just get baptized like go so I called my brother back and I'm like, yeah, I want to do it And so then he's like, okay this weekend I'm like, wait, what?

Hold up Like i'm not ready covid, you know, I had already been thinking about baptism covid happens things get shut down He's like, yeah, let's do it like Let's get baptized and I'm like, okay, so then I just say yes. I'm like, all right, fine. Let's do it And so that saturday he didn't even let me he was like i'm gonna come pick you up I we're gonna do this like we're done and he had just got baptized like two days before so he's like we're gonna do this So I ended up getting baptized [00:43:00] and man That was like the holy spirit was just Filling me and I had deep conviction of what I was doing because again I had went back into the world Right knew god was real but went back into all the lust of the eyes the lust of the flesh everything And so god was convicting me.

I felt the conviction Strong and I knew what I was doing was wrong Eventually I start praying like just take, you know, the people that need to be taken out of my life, you know, out of my life. Boy, did he take all of them out of my life? He literally was like, all right, you, you prayed this, like, let's get it going.

Like everybody started disappearing out of my life. My friends, every person. And I was just like, okay. And I remember one thing. There was a conviction about my job. There were certain things with, in my job as an event planner before I was like, Oh man, I remember I was up all [00:44:00] night wrestling with thoughts and he's like, you gotta do it.

Like you can't be doing this. I was just like, okay. Within a two week span, this happens in 2021 COVID happens. 2021 I got baptized within a two week span of me getting baptized. I ended up moving. I get baptized. I ended up moving from Stockton, California, where I was born and raised to living with my brother in Sacramento.

And I ended up quitting my job. Like it was like, God was radically just changing things. 

Rob: Yeah. He was 

Marissa: uprooting me. He knew that I couldn't live in Stockton and live this like, you know, holy life. Like he, he knew things were going to catch back up with me. So he needed to take me away. My brother had been praying about me.

Living with them for a long time and I was always like, no, that's not going to happen. And the second I was surrendered to God was like, God was like, yeah, no, that is going to happen. [00:45:00] And so I ended up going and now it's like, you know, God just filled me. And like, now I'm just like, I'm crazy for Jesus. And like, I have this relationship and I can pray and I could read the Bible and it's just, it's amazing.

I mean, And I'm 

Jack: assuming you found a fellowship. Oh 

Marissa: yeah. 

Jack: Helping you in your faith and accountability and all that. Right. Well, 

Marissa: once we got baptized, it was like, God was taking all those other friends out and bringing all these brothers and sisters. Sisters and we started meeting so many brothers and sisters.

Like I didn't feel alone. There was a point of isolation a little bit, you know, solitude with God, but at the same time he was bringing all these people. And so he, it was like a, it was like an exchange, like you're leaving this and I'm bringing in what's good for you. 

Rob: That's so good because that's what God does, like a true cleansing, but then he doesn't leave us [00:46:00] to our own devices.

It fills us up with a new level of relationship with him through the Holy Spirit. And that just seems like what happened. Yeah. It took place. Yeah. Transformation. It 

Marissa: really was. I knew when I got baptized, something was different. Yeah. Wow. It needed to happen. And it was, it was different. 

Jack: I love that. I, I, there's so many aspects of your story that kind of, I can relate to.

Yeah. It's crazy. But just even thinking about the fact that God had to bring you to the point where you knew the disease you had was. Terminal that was uncurable because if he had healed you before that diagnosis Would that have been an opportunity to be like, oh, I just got healed my body can heal You know just healed 

Marissa: itself.

Yeah, totally. And that would have happened. 

Jack: And so God in everything that was happening in the process He was making milestones to build your faith. Amen, right? And he's so good. I love I love honestly I know you said don't ever do it [00:47:00] Pray to God I at the side of your bed with the type of prayer that you have.

Yeah But I almost want to say, yes, there is, we should have a reverence for God. Absolutely. But he knows what's in our hearts. Yeah. So there's no point in hiding how you feel in the songs right now. And. You know, they're very honest. Where are you? Why are you silent? Why have you left me? You know, like they feel they're being honest about how they feel.

Right. It's the truth. It's just how you're expressing how you feel. Right. God wants us to have an open and honest relationship with him. So true. I mean, as we grow, we learn, we have respect and everything, but he knows what's there, right? Like everything we do is in front of God. Anyways, he's everywhere. So I think we can be honest with him.

Yes, for sure. For sure. Reminds me of a story that I think a lot of people have problems with. The story is in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with God. Yeah, that was my wrestling [00:48:00] and he's like I am not letting go until you bless me. I'm not letting go That's like that's okay There's part of me. It's like that's irreverent, right?

Like how dare you tell god? I am not letting go until you bless me, right? It's so true 

Rob: He walked with a limp after that, which was a fresh reminder of wrestling leads to the reward of relationship. That's 

Marissa: very true. Wow. And that's 

Rob: your story. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Well, Marissa, thank you so much for sharing your story.

I just have one last thing because Jack and I have had the honor and privilege to meet you today and to hear your story and those who are listening for the first time hearing your story and getting to know you. What would you say to that person that You know, and maybe in a similar path that they're at right now, maybe they're at a crossroads and they're not sure if God's real.

They kind of know, but you know, talk to the person like who you are today, like reflect back to them or so that you were younger when you were in your [00:49:00] search. Right. You know, encourage that person. 

Marissa: First, I would say Jesus loves you. That's number one thing that I think a lot of people struggle with is, you know, That Jesus loves you.

He, he came like, he didn't just die just to die. Like he came so that he can bring that relationship and reconcile that back to you. I would also say to anyone who is dealing with. What you would say daddy issues is You can truly find fulfillment in Jesus everything that I was looking for for with a father with protection with this love and acceptance was Ultimately God he's our Abba the father, right?

So like you can find that protection and it seems so illogical and it just seems like um, when you're going through it that It seems like a faraway story, but it's so close if you just let him in and you surrender to him And you just [00:50:00] allow that forgiveness to start coming in and seeping in but the forgiveness comes from jesus.

First of all, that's And then I would say two is you're never going to find fulfillment in other things. It's just never going to happen. It will satisfy you. It will bring you happiness in a moment and it will sometimes last a month or two, but you will never find that true satisfaction, that fulfillment.

fulfillment, peace, joy, like what he's the fruits of the spirit unless you Like you have this relationship. He wants a relationship. He doesn't want you being in a church You know just here and there He wants that relationship. So that's what I would say to that person is find your fulfillment in Jesus.

He loves you dearly like dearly 

Rob: Amen Yeah, thank you so much for that Marissa, again, thank you for being on the show today. Your, your story reminds me so much of the, [00:51:00] of the man who was born blind and goes through that process and he's got, you know, so many people, including his family, that are like questioning, well, he must be in this condition because he's a sinner and, and Jesus comes into the scene.

Like he always does comes into our mess. And when we're going through something physical, there's always a spiritual. You know reality to it and that's your story. I think about this man when he gets healed. I mean literally he gets healed And I just love this part where there's so many people around him that are questioning still even in his healing And he's he's kind of being pinned to the grass like well, what did he do?

What did this? What did this jesus do to you? How did he heal you and I love that this man says look The man explained, I told you once, 

Marissa: why 

Rob: don't you want, you know, why don't, why don't you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciple too? And then of course they got, that just made them even more angry.

And, and basically what he tells [00:52:00] them is, look, all I know is that. I was blind, but now I see. 

Marissa: Amen. And, and that's so good story. And I'm so 

Rob: grateful again to, to meet you, a true sister in Christ. And, and, uh, you know, the best is truly yet to come. And, and so thank you for sharing your story. Really do appreciate it.

Marissa: Thank you. Thank you for having me. 

Jack: Yeah. It was a blast. Everybody else stay tuned every Tuesday for new episodes. God bless.

Reflection on today's interview. One thing we weren't able to get to in the podcast that Marissa told us after the interview that I thought was important enough to bring back into the conversation here is the issue of forgiveness that was holding Marissa back from fully experiencing the grace of God in her life.

And she shared with us [00:53:00] after the interview that during her baptism, when she was experiencing the fullness of the Holy Spirit in her life, it was at that time period where she finally came to the point where she fully, completely, and openly forgave her father. And it made me think about how often unforgiveness holds us back from experiencing the fullness of God.

So as we end our time, I want to ask you the question, is there someone you need to forgive today? Don't let that hold you back from experiencing the fullness of God's presence in your life. He wants to free you of the pain that is associated with it. With unforgiveness. I've heard it said that it's like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

Unforgiveness harms us more than [00:54:00] it harms the person we need to forgive. God bless you and have a blessed week.